Seattle resident and world-famous Grammy-winning musician Dave Matthews announced Tuesday from his Seattle home that he would be kicking off a major new initiative in his personal fight against global warming.
“It’s no secret that I occasionally enjoy some leisure activities that may not be totally legal in most states,” the rocker said. “However, today I am announcing that I am officially giving up pot, for the good of our Mother Earth.”
He explained that the drastic measure came about after he discovered that his heavy, nearly non-stop pot-smoking habit was a major contributor to greenhouse gases.
“When I realized that by smoking pot, I was putting, like, five tons of carbon dioxide into our atmosphere every year, I totally realized that I had to do something,” he said. [Editor’s note: 5 tons of CO2 emission in a year is roughly equivalent to smoking 217,000 marijuana cigarettes. Daily.]
While Matthews expects the symptoms of withdrawal from his constant carcinogenic companion to be “soul-crushingly excruciating,” he says he is prepared to endure it for the good of the planet and his hometown, Seattle, Washington.
In order to fill the near-infinite psychological void certain to be left by the lack of pervasive cannabis infusions, Matthews has explored a number of earth-friendly substitutes. Heroin was ruled out, because hypodermic needles are not recyclable. LSD was also determined to be unacceptable due to the release of gasses during production. Although he has not settled on a final solution, Matthews says he is currently leaning toward crack cocaine as the most environmentally-friendly psychoactive alternative.
Matthews assured fans that this transition would not have any detrimental effects on his upcoming tour. When asked about the degree to which marijuana has been instrumental in his prolific song-writing , Matthews responded by motioning toward his gut, as he said that “it’s not a problem, I think, because my music comes from in here, where it’s all good.”
Dave Matthews lives in Seattle and has been awarded two Grammys for his work as the singer-songwriter behind the Dave Matthews Band.