Friday, September 19, 2014
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Dave Matthews Quits Pot to Fight Global Warming

Seattle star Dave Matthews breaks down on stage during a previous attempt to quit pot.
Conrad Morgan | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑Seattle star Dave Matthews breaks down on stage during a previous attempt to quit pot.

Seattle resident and world-famous Grammy-winning musician Dave Matthews announced Tuesday from his Seattle home that he would be kicking off a major new initiative in his personal fight against global warming.

“It’s no secret that I occasionally enjoy some leisure activities that may not be totally legal in most states,” the rocker said. “However, today I am announcing that I am officially giving up pot, for the good of our Mother Earth.”

He explained that the drastic measure came about after he discovered that his heavy, nearly non-stop pot-smoking habit was a major contributor to greenhouse gases.

“When I realized that by smoking pot, I was putting, like, five tons of carbon dioxide into our atmosphere every year, I totally realized that I had to do something,” he said. [Editor's note: 5 tons of CO2 emission in a year is roughly equivalent to smoking 217,000 marijuana cigarettes. Daily.]

While Matthews expects the symptoms of withdrawal from his constant carcinogenic companion to be “soul-crushingly excruciating,” he says he is prepared to endure it for the good of the planet and his hometown, Seattle, Washington.

In order to fill the near-infinite psychological void certain to be left by the lack of pervasive cannabis infusions, Matthews has explored a number of earth-friendly substitutes. Heroin was ruled out, because hypodermic needles are not recyclable. LSD was also determined to be unacceptable due to the release of gasses during production. Although he has not settled on a final solution, Matthews says he is currently leaning toward crack cocaine as the most environmentally-friendly psychoactive alternative.

Matthews assured fans that this transition would not have any detrimental effects on his upcoming tour. When asked about the degree to which marijuana has been instrumental in his prolific song-writing , Matthews responded by motioning toward his gut, as he said that “it’s not a problem, I think, because my music comes from in here, where it’s all good.”

Dave Matthews lives in Seattle and has been awarded two Grammys for his work as the singer-songwriter behind the Dave Matthews Band.

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14 Comments on “Dave Matthews Quits Pot to Fight Global Warming”

  1. So are you guys saying that Dave is going to stop using cannabis and start using CRACK COCAINE in order to be more environmentally friendly? That is [censored] absurd and I don’t believe it in the slightest.

  2. honestly? DAVE on CRACK?!? i dont believe that what so ever. if you are saying dave is done with maryjane,(which is bogus),dave is done chiefing, THAT by no means, leads me to believe that dave would do crack. if he retired the habit, he retired the habit. he doesnt need bud to keep his music alive, its in his soul. but i can say im going to see him on april the 29th in alpharetta GA. i bet he’ll be blazed like back in atl in july.

  3. I’m assuming this article was written in satire, for those who took it seriously.

  4. You have got to be the dumbest people in the world to believe this is real.

  5. ^^ You guys are bright ones, eh?

  6. Yep well said BC

  7. the effect of Global Warming these days is even worst. i think every government should pass stricter laws on Carbon Emissions. we should also concentrate more on renewable energy sources and avoid fossil fuels.

  8. did you FOOLS happen to notice the publish date of the article?? good read, thx loon

  9. That article was too funny. My favorite paragraph was the one where they listed the enviromental pros and cons of various drugs, although I think we all know the most enviromentally safe drug is cocaine straight up. The turning it into crack part is definately not good for the ozone.

  10. Just came across this an I’m cracking up … no one else sedemed to notice it was written on April 1st. LOL

  11. Haha i was like what the hull, then realized it must be fake. but then i was like wait, it has a quote from dave himself. Isnt it illegal to say that Dave actually said this. it can easily confuse people. This is funny, but should have a disclaimer.

  12. okay ignore my previous comment, i was mislead by a friend.

  13. This is obviously a joke, to you people getting mad down there. Just look at the Onion-type website. I got a good laugh!

  14. I think this article is pretty fake. Dave does seem high most of the time, even recently when I have checked out recent interviews of his on youtube. He would NEVER do crack or any other drug. He lives in Washington where marijuana is legal. I am sure he still smokes but I seriously doubt he does anything else. Is pot bad for the ozone? No, I don’t think so.

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