Email This Story
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Medina Resident has More Money than You
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑The full bar in Medina Resident Matt Johnson's Hummer limo serves up to sixteen people.
Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:
Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?
Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries. What if one of my cars or boats gets stolen? How can I find a wife with enough money that I am not diluting my family’s wealth? What if I run out of interesting things to spend my money on? These are the terrible, haunting questions that keep me awake at night.
Naked Loon: Is money the most important thing in your life?
Matt: Absolutely not. I would gladly trade all of my money for something of larger monetary value.
Naked Loon: Huh. Well, do you feel that the Seattle area meets your unique needs as a rich person?
Matt: Seattle? Oh, right – see, I “live” here for tax purposes. It’s complicated. One of the many complicated money things I have to deal with in my life. You wouldn’t understand. As for meeting my needs, this Medina place isn’t so bad. There are a lot of people here like me, and my mansion here is useful for extra storage – I was running out of room for my stuff at my estate in the Hamptons.
Naked Loon: You truly do lead a traumatic life. Perhaps the city could develop a new community service program – volunteers with less fiscal responsibility could spend a few hours bearing your difficult load.
Matt: The fact that you would even suggest such a thing betrays your backward plebian mindset. You people will never understand us.
Rate this story:
(20 votes, average: 4.85 out of 6)
Email This Story
| 
Print This Story
| Section: Community | Tags:
This story has been viewed 481 times.
Deprivation and Despair Overwhelm Seattle
Councilmembers Spent Taxpayer Money on Ethics Fines, Bun-n-Thigh Rollers, Nigerian Scams, and More
I am truly a despicable wretch.
This made me laugh audibly. Thanks.