Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.
Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs and militant store closings, he indicated that there is still far more left to do to ensure that the specialty beverage provider will survive the coming mega-depression.
“Our decade of transition and transformation has just begun,” said a visibly enraged and heavily armed Schultz during a live video conference call with shareholders.
According to the earnings report, coffee drinkers continued to literally spit in the face of Starbucks’ gourmet coffee offerings in the fourth quarter, sending as many as five thousand baristas to the hospital with eye infections nationwide.
“We felt the effects of the downturn early, and have been attempting to prepare for this difficult hour for some time,” said Schultz. “The time has now come to implement Phase II of our master plan—operation ‘Don’t take no for an answer—for real.'”
In order to stem further losses, Phase II of Schultz’s plan will involve retraining Starbucks baristas world-wide to be both physically aggressive and simultaneously heartbreakingly piteous. Under the new plan, tearful Starbucks employees are instructed to physically drag passers-by off the street and force them to order a minimum of three drinks each.
Additionally, Schultz announced that Starbucks engineers have developed Phaelon-560, an undetectable, tasteless experimental herbal drug with one thousand times the addictive properties of caffeine.
“Effective immediately, a minimum of 2500mg of Phaelon-560 will be added to every drink we sell,” said Schultz. “We’ll market it as a ‘memory-booster’ or something—people eat that stuff up.”
“And guess what,” added Schultz. “Because it is ‘herbal,’ there’s not a dang thing the FDA can do about it! Muah-ha-hah!”
“During these difficult times it is critically important that we cajole, plead with, and drug our core customers,” said Schultz.