Saturday, April 19, 2014

Retailtastic

Shoppers bravely venture into local retail and live to tell the tale.

Suck at math? Target has a great “deal” for you.

Do you like, totally suck at math, and stuff? Do you also happen to need a bunch of rechargeable batteries to bring life to all the lousy clearance electronics your aunt bought you from now-defunct retailers Linens ‘N’ Things and the Sharper Image?

Well you, dear numerically-challenged reader, are in luck. Target has just the deal for you:

Target: taking advantage of math-challenged shoppers since 1902

Why buy a measly little four-pack of Energizer AA rechargeable batteries for $10.99 when you can get an eight-pack for $22.99?

Look, it says “TEMPORARY Price Cut” right there on the rack, so it must be a good deal, right?

Other than the fact that two four-packs would only cost $21.98, I can’t think of a single reason not to jump on this “deal” right this second.

Curious Usage of the Term “Lower Price” at Home Depot

I made a quick stop by Home Depot today and spotted something rather unusual.

Take a look at the picture below and see if you notice anything… odd.

spot the lower price

Can’t spot it? Here, let me help you:

Two for the price of... LESS than one?

That’s right, they’re selling a single 100-blade dispenser of Stanley Heavy Duty Utility Blades for a “NEW LOWER PRICE” of just $11.39, while two shelves below a two-pack of the exact same 100-blade dispensers of Stanley Heavy Duty Utility Blades is priced at $9.99.

It was a difficult decision that I pondered for nearly a second, but in the end I decided to go with the two-pack. Do you think I made the right decision?

Light Up Your Christmas Spirit

Nothing says “I’m celebrating the true spirit of Christmas” quite like a $2 light-up necklace, am I right?

The best part about this totally classy fashion accessory is probably the awesome glamor shot model on the packaging.

Just check out that look in the model’s eyes. She’s saying “hey there, big boy—want to take a trip on the light-up necklace train?” What man wouldn’t go wild when he sees a foxy lady sporting a blinking, twinkling Christmas necklace like this?

Also, I can’t be certain about this, since I wasn’t bold enough to purchase one of these amazing items for myself, but it appears that the only parts that actually do any lighting up are the super-obvious red and green LEDs that take up roughly every fourth spot.

For those of you that simply must stay on top of all latest Christmas fashion trends, these wonderful… things can be found at Grocery Outlet. But you had better hurry, because there’s no way that a deal this amazing is going to last.

Delicious, Crunchy Wild Animals

It’s a total mystery to me why Kellogg’s Wild Animal Crunch failed to be a smashing success, but was instead doomed to haunt the aisles of Grocery Outlet, selling at a massive discount of $1.50 per 11 oz. box.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat crunchy little bits of polar bears, pandas, seals, and meerkats?

Wait—the cereal isn’t made of wild animals? Oh, so it must be what wild animals eat, then? That sounds a little less appetizing, but I guess I’d be willing to give it a try. The animals on the box look pretty happy with their diet, after all.

That’s not what it is either? Well what the heck is it, then?

Oh, it’s just another sugar-infused, cardboard-y marketing ploy.

Google: Buy Some Hebrew DVDs

Just had this text ad appear at the top of my Gmail inbox:

Gotta get me some of this.

Obviously my interest was piqued, so I clicked the link, which sent me to this page. Since I don’t read… whatever language that is, I’m not sure exactly what they’re selling, but the only English on the page reads:

The Writings of Rav Kook and His Students
Version 3
(Windows XP)

Who wouldn’t want a DVD of Mr. Kook? Sign me up! Thanks, for pointing this out to me, Google!

The Venerable Rav. Kook