Articles by Alfred Matthew

The Naked Loon Reviews: Random Orientation Videos

Starting a new job may be intimidating, but it can also be a source of great entertainment. The best part about starting a new job is when you get to sit around for an entire day of orientation, doing little more than cramming your face with junk food as your new employer force-feeds you multiple videos telling you all about such thrilling topics as how bad it is to harass anybody and how good it is to be safe.

In keeping with the proud tradition of print journalism, we generally shy away from the devilish work of the italic on the pages of The Naked Loon, but the orientation videos we are reviewing today were so dramatic, we had to make a special exception.

New Reality Show to Pre-Place Blame for Area Disasters

An exciting new television series set right here in Seattle is scheduled to begin this off-season, and The Naked Loon is here to bring you the scoop.

Everyone knows someone that has been affected by some type of disaster: earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, Republicans… Here in the Northwest we’ve been fortunate not to have been struck by many extreme disasters, but every time we hear of catastrophes like a big earthquake in Asia or yet another monster attack on New York City, we can’t help but wonder: what if a big disaster struck here?

The answer to that question is simple: we are thoroughly screwed. However…

The Naked Loon Reviews: Juno

Let me begin this review with a warning. If you are thinking of buying Juno on DVD so you can enjoy a thrilling documentary about one of the internet’s first free email services, reliving the glory days of dial-up with blazing fast 14.4 kBaud modems, you are going to be disappointed. As it turns out, Juno has nothing to do with email at all.

Juno’s recipe for success includes a mixture of bizarre nonsensical music, some hamburger phones, a handful of 19-25-year-olds pretending to be high schoolers, and one glorious scene featuring Rainn Wilson. All in all, it makes for an enjoyable enough experience, but I still wish there was more email.

Seattle Aquarium: Not Just for Marine Biologists

When you think of the Seattle Aquarium, do you think of a bunch of white-jacketed scientists sitting around a pond, obsessing over algae counts or water quality? Well, that’s because you’re not very smart, because the aquarium isn’t anything like that at all.

As it turns out, staring slack-jawed at a bunch of fish for hour after hour is not nearly as boring as you might imagine. And that’s just the beginning of the exciting possibilities available to you when you visit the very best aquarium in the entire world, right here in Seattle.

M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty

As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.

“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.

General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

Gorge Amphitheatre to be Moved to Seattle

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced an exciting new plan today by the city to relocate the Gorge Amphitheatre from the backward rural central Washington village of George to the glistening progressive urban utopia of Seattle.

“Seattle is the best place in the State of Washington for entertainment,” said Nickels, “so it just makes sense that we should have the state’s best concert venue located here in our fair city.”

Sonics Owners Announce Surprise Deal to Relocate Team to Tacoma

Despite a groundswell of support in Oklahoma and deal after deal offered by the city of Seattle, Sonics owners announced Thursday that they have just finalized a deal to move the team to Tacoma.

The announcement came as a shock to Seattle leaders who, since the team’s sale to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett in 2006, had offered an unending stream of dismal, inadequate plans…

Dave Matthews Quits Pot to Fight Global Warming

Seattle resident and world-famous Grammy-winning musician Dave Matthews announced Tuesday from his Seattle home that he would be kicking off a major new initiative in his personal fight against global warming.

“It’s no secret that I occasionally enjoy some leisure activities that may not be totally legal in most states, however, today I am announcing that I am officially giving up pot, for the good of our Mother Earth.”