Articles by Ash Grimm

Dino Rossi Adamantly Denies Ties to Local Charity

Republican candidate for Governor Dino Rossi issued a strong statement today denying any ties to charities in general and Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission in particular. A series of incriminating photographs have been revealed that show Rossi performing a number of selfless volunteer acts for Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.

“I do not now, nor have I ever cared even the slightest bit about what happens to the homeless,” said Rossi. “This is just another of the baseless attacks that have become typical of my opponent.”

Allegations of Rossi’s involvement at the shelter began in May. At that time, Rossi denied having any sort of connection, saying “I don’t even know what the Union Gospel Mission is, but I definitely don’t support unions.” However, an in-depth investigative report by the Naked Loon uncovered evidence that contradicted Rossi’s claims.

Solution to Viaduct More Committees, Committee Says

A committee made up of city, state and county officials commissioned to study solutions to the Alaska Way Viaduct announced their latest findings today. The committee released a statement indicating that they have finally determined a definitive solution to the problem of the crumbling Viaduct. That solution, according to the committee, is to form more committees.

“I’m a little embarrassed it took us this long to see the obvious answer that was staring us in the face this whole time,” said Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels.

The report from the committee laid out an extensive plan to solve the Viaduct issue by convening a series of seventy-three separate committees over the next twenty years.

New Gregoire Campaign Signs Bite Back

Following a series of reports this week from Puget Sound residents returning from the arid wasteland of Eastern Washington where they witnessed Dino Rossi campaign signs bearing the message “Don’t Let Seattle Steal This Election,” Christine Gregoire has launched a counter-offensive campaign in King County.

Campaign spokesman Aaron Toso explained the move, saying, “Dino Rossi is pure evil. It’s time we brought that message to the people of Seattle.”

Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

Poll: Political Campaigns Not Nasty Enough Yet

A recent poll of three thousand Americans revealed that a majority of likely voters believe that this year’s political campaigns have been too civil to date, and would like to see the volume of spite and malice turned up a few notches.

“This year’s mudslinging has gotten off to a decent start,” said pollster Jim Hornswall, citing examples of allegedly-unofficial smears such as the Barrack Hussein Obama: Muslim Terrorist Lover video on YouTube and the John McCain is a Senile Old Coot blog. “But voters are craving more,” he said.

Americans are already tired of hearing about the so-called “issues” such as Obama’s plan to bring troops home from Iraq or McCain’s position on climate change…

Marysville City Council Erupts in Brawl Over Tractor Ordinance

What began as a routine bi-weekly work session for the Marysville City Council turned into an all-out brawl yesterday when tensions over a proposed tractor ordinance boiled over.

The regulation, which was introduced by councilmember Carmen Rasmussen, would restrict downtown streets to only non-tractor traffic every Thursday evening. “Some of the townsfolk have reported difficulties getting to the farmers’ market,” said Rasmussen as she introduced her proposal.

Tractor policies have long been a heated point of contention in Marysville city politics…

McCain Courts Hispanic Voters (Literally)

Senator John McCain said Monday that the Republican stance on immigration is chasing Hispanic voters away from the party, a problem that he has a plan to personally solve.

“I believe the majority of Hispanics find me to be an attractive guy, and I hope to have the opportunity to take them out and explain my policies to them over a nice bottle of wine,” the Senator said.

Obama Unfazed by Clinton’s Continued Delusions of Victory

In an insipid turn of events this weekend of interest only to die-hard political junkies, hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Hilary Clinton issued an empty challenge to the soon-to-be-nominee Barak Obama: that they face off in a moderator-free debate.

In the bizarre attempt to stave off her inevitable electoral elimination, Clinton invoked the memory Abraham Lincoln; the most famous Republican president of all time.

Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished

When Harrison Jenkins woke up on Monday, he thought his day would be no different than any other—go to work, banter about the usual inoffensive topics, do his job, listen to NPR… all the usual stuff. Unfortunately, Harrison’s tranquil bubble of tolerance and open-mindedness was violently popped as he drove the carpool to work on I-405.

“I was just driving along, minding my own business…

Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office

With the attention-span-challenged nation focused on a high-profile presidential campaign in which November’s winner is anyone’s guess, it’s easy to overlook the greater Seattle area’s boring, one-sided local electoral contests…

In an enlightened, superior progressive region such as the Puget Sound, candidates running under the pollution-loving, war-mongering, Bible-thumping Republican banner…

State Government Declares War on Toys

With a sweeping new bill signed into law by Christine Gregoire on Tuesday, Washington State’s government has officially declared war on children’s toys.

House Bill 2647 uses the guise of implementing the world’s strictest toy safety standards to execute what will effectively become a statewide ban on fun.

“Kids these days have way, way too much fun,” said Representative Mary Lou Dickerson.

City Council Votes to Make Seattle “Greenest City Ever”

In a 7-2 decision on Monday, the Seattle City Council passed a sweeping city-wide program intended to literally make Seattle the “Greenest City Ever,” by painting each and every structure within the city limits a delightful shade of forest green. Residents and businesses alike will be required to participate in the new program, which will begin in 2010.

“We’ve made a lot of progress toward becoming the leader in green issues…”

Kent City Council Insists Kent Not That Bad

The Kent City Council passed a unanimous resolution on Tuesday, declaring the city to be “Not That Bad, Really.” Putting aside their differences, council members united behind the initiative, which is aimed at improving Kent’s image in the Puget Sound and across the country.

“Some people seem to think that Kent is a desolate wasteland, devoid of even the most basic human necessities,” Councilmember Les Thomas said…