August 2008

Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado

Devastation thrashed through Oklahoma Saturday morning in the form of a series of horrifying and rare August tornadoes. Bouncing down the streets and destroying houses like they were nothing at all, the tornadoes did approximately $8.5 million in damage.

Stringtown resident Josiah Harnekey shared his account of the tornado that swept through his neighborhood, destroying his house.

“I got all kids down to the cellar right quick, but then I realized that I didn’t have my twine ball with me.”

Voters Face Difficult Decision Between Ultra-Rich and Ultra-Richer

For voters already faced with a difficult decision in November, the latest in a series of delightful name-calling, finger-pointing campaign ads highlights what could become the most important issue in this year’s presidential election: which ultra-rich candidate best relates to the average American.

Set off by the revelation this week that John McCain can’t remember how many houses he owns, this new mud-slinging contest could be the most crucial in the contest for the nation’s top job.

The Naked Loon Reviews: 24 Season 1

Is it pointless to review Season 1 of 24, a show that came out on DVD nearly six years ago? In a word, no. In two words, it’s possible. In three words, yeah, you bet.

From the moment you pop in the first episode of 24 and you hear Jack Bauer employ his incredibly dramatic voice to explain that events occur in real time, you know that 24 is going to be something really… special.

Paul Allen Announces “Because I Can” Streetcar Line

Building on the unbridled success and runaway popularity of the South Lake Union Trolley, a spokesman for Paul Allen’s Vulcan Inc. announced Wednesday that construction of a second streetcar line in the neighborhood will begin immediately.

The new “Because I Can” line will run approximately half a mile, circling the three blocks bounded by Republican Street to the north, Boren Avenue to the west, Pontius Avenue to the east, and Harrison Street to the south. The streetcar will have a single stop, located on Harrison.

“With the South Lake Union Line already running at nearly eight percent capacity, we cannot afford to waste time on this new line,” said Allen in a written statement released by Vulcan. “I have already purchased the property at 1165 Harrison and will begin demolition of the existing structure as soon as we acquire permits from the city.”

Medina Resident has More Money than You

Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:

Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?

Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries.

Attractive Statue Honoring Deserving Local Icons Bewilders Fremont Residents

The unveiling of an exquisitely-crafted bronze statue honoring a pair of admirable local stars triggered widespread panic and confusion among residents of Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood Sunday afternoon.

The superb level of detail and craftsmanship in the statue titled “Late for the Interurban” mystified residents, accustomed to crude concrete depictions found in such local treasures as the Fremont Troll and “Waiting for the Interurban.”

The deserving nature of the local heroes now enshrined in bronze also served to upset and bewilder the locals. Home to a contentious statue of communist leader Vladimir Lenin, Fremont has long maintained a sense of community pride in its ability to embrace art that would ordinarily cause any self-respecting American throw up a little in their mouth.

A Comprehensive Guide to Alternative Transportation

Has the high price of gas got you considering alternate ways of commuting to work, but there are so many options that you find yourself paralyzed with indecision? Can’t get those darn little shoulder-dudes to shut up with their non-stop debate over the merits of driving alone to work in an earth-killing smog machine?

Maybe Naked Loon staff are the only ones with a shoulder-dude problem, but fortunately we won’t let that stop us from bringing you this exhaustive guide to all your transportation options. Read on and be enlightened.

China Fakes Entire Olympic Games

BEIJING – While fraudulent footprint fireworks and little lip-syncing Lin appeared to be the extent of China’s Olympic deception, in reality these scandals are just the icing on an enormous Olympic fakery cake. According to well-placed sources in the Chinese government, the entirety of the Beijing Olympic Games is in fact completely staged.

Every single aspect of the 2008 Summer Games as viewed by the world on television and the Internet has been part of an elaborate farce, carried out through a combination of green-screen digital trickery and fully computer-generated graphics.

Even Beijing’s famous “crow’s nest” stadium exists only as an arrangement of bits inside a massive graphic-manipulation supercomputer.

State Dept. of Ecology Fines Mt. St. Helens $250 Million

The Washington State Department of Ecology slapped Mount St. Helens with a $250 million fine on Thursday for flagrant and repeated violations of state air quality regulations.

From late 2004 through July this year the 40,000-year-old volcano maintained a daily schedule that included emitting hundreds of tons of sulfur dioxide—a noxious gas that can cause acid rain and breathing problems leading to serious health issues such as death.

Despite Washington industry’s best efforts to maintain the top spot, the scofflaw mountain emitted more of the lung-burning fumes every day throughout its nearly four-year period of recent activity than all of Washington’s industries combined.

Thousands Ignore Gutting of Kenmore Denny’s

As construction crews began gutting the Denny’s building in Kenmore this week to prepare for a massive remodel of the 31-year-old structure, thousands of passing motorists and local residents remained completely oblivious to the project.

Located on a busy stretch of Bothell Way (Hwy 522) through Kenmore, the forgettable building was the subject of a widespread lack of interest in June after its sexier, more popular cousin in Ballard was demolished.

Not a single person could be found Wednesday that cared or even noticed the major demolition project at the site…