April 2008

Boeing to Build Air Force Tanker Anyway

After losing a $40 billion Air Force tanker contract to European competitor Airbus and filing a formal protest with the Government Accountability Office in early March, Boeing has announced that they will build the tanker regardless of the US Government’s decision.

It was thought that the Air Force decision would result in the eventual 2012 closure of the 767 assembly line in Everett, and the addition of thousands of jobs to Airbus…

Local Entrepreneur Pursues Futile Dreams

In an apparent case of temporary insanity, Seattle-area resident Marty Mathis quit his job last month to begin a hopeless quest to build a home-based business.

“I’ve always wanted to work from home,” Mathis said. “With all these great ideas swimming around in my head and the few thousand dollars I’ve managed to save up, I figured there wasn’t going to be a better time to pursue my dreams.”

Google: Street View Not Coming to Seattle, So There

In a press release published Friday, internet technology leader Google announced that its revolutionary Street View technology will not be expanded to include coverage of the Seattle area, ever.

Friday’s statement from the internet giant finally answered the question that has been on many tech-savvy Seattle residents’ minds: When is Seattle going to get Street View? The answer, according to Google, is never.

Dave Matthews Quits Pot to Fight Global Warming

Seattle resident and world-famous Grammy-winning musician Dave Matthews announced Tuesday from his Seattle home that he would be kicking off a major new initiative in his personal fight against global warming.

“It’s no secret that I occasionally enjoy some leisure activities that may not be totally legal in most states, however, today I am announcing that I am officially giving up pot, for the good of our Mother Earth.”

Scientists Counter Invading Species in Puget Sound

The once-peaceful Puget Sound is turning into a blood-soaked battleground as a host of invading species stage complex military assaults on native flora and fauna.

In a comprehensive report released this week, local environmental scientists revealed that everything from orca and salmon to algae and seaweed is feeling the brunt of an attack by invading forces. Taking advantage of an ecosystem already weakened by the global warming debate…

Northgate Mall Fleeces Shoppers with Half-Finished Renovation

Seattle’s Northgate Mall, which had been losing business in recent years to more attractive venues such as Alderwood—its younger, sexier cousin to the north—has successfully fooled shoppers into returning after renovating only the most visible half of the shopping center.

The improvements, which took two years to complete, gave the westward interstate – facing portion of the mall a major facelift…

Congress Passes Some Bill

Today on Capitol Hill, facing a number of important issues and difficult obstacles, Congress passed legislation aimed at doing something.

Members of the House and Senate voted for the bill, except for those that voted against it. Congressional records show that there were a large number of votes in favor of the bill versus a smaller number of opposing votes in the House, and a similar match-up in the Senate.

Woman Shocked to Learn Fremont Statue not John Lennon

Lake Forest Park resident Mary Sullivan was shocked on Wednesday when she learned that Fremont’s famous statue of Lenin is in fact an image of the Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin, not the late singer-songwriter John Lennon, as she previously believed.

“Lenin and Lennon sound pretty much the same,” said Sullivan. “When people talked about Fremont’s statue of Lenin, I just assumed it was John Lennon.”

Kent City Council Insists Kent Not That Bad

The Kent City Council passed a unanimous resolution on Tuesday, declaring the city to be “Not That Bad, Really.” Putting aside their differences, council members united behind the initiative, which is aimed at improving Kent’s image in the Puget Sound and across the country.

“Some people seem to think that Kent is a desolate wasteland, devoid of even the most basic human necessities,” Councilmember Les Thomas said…

Fun Over for King County Fair

Following years of waning attendance, organizers of the King County fair have announced that they have completely given up all hope of attracting visitors to the 145-year-old event.

In past fairs, the promise of greasy food, exciting rides, and the slim chance of winning an absurdly oversized stuffed cartoon character was used to trick unsuspecting residents into attending an inherently boring festival of agriculture, farm animals, and live action infomercials…

Screw Transportation Compromise, Seattle Should Ban Cars Outright

When it comes to our area’s transportation problems, you hear a lot of talk these days about “compromise.” People say that transit advocates and road supporters should come together and find a middle ground that will benefit the entire community. You know what? Screw that. There, I said it.

I am tired of pretending that there are two sides to the so-called transportation “debate.” The simple fact of the matter is…