April 2008

Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound

In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.

“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”

Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town

In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.

Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.

“They done came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass.

I want to be a elephant trainer when I grow up

My name is Alexander and I am in the first grade. When I grow up I want to be a elephant trainer.

Elephants are neat. They are big and gray and have funny long noses and you can ride on them if you are real careful and nice. When you ride on a elephant you can make it go around and stomp on people like the bully at school named Joe that pushes me around. My elephant will make Joe go splat.

Hundreds of Thousands Return to Self-Centered Lives

Over 175,000 people returned to their usual self-centered lives today after attending various events during the Dalai Lama’s five-day “Seeds of Compassion” Seattle tour.

Throughout his visit to Seattle, the Dalai Lama spoke extensively of kindness and compassion, to approving applause from crowds numbering in the tens of thousands. Following these inspirational events, residents of the Seattle area promptly went back to their day-to-day lives, living in exactly the same way as before.

Helpful Tips for Tax Time

So it’s April 15th, again, and you’ve put off doing your taxes until the last minute yet again. Well luckily for you, the tireless staff of The Naked Loon is here to make your life easier with a list of useful tips to help you take advantage of every possible sneaky loophole and clever dodge. By following these tips, you can turn tax time into fun time.

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

Tim Eyman: Introducing I-999 The Ultimate Anti- Government Initiative

We’ve been beating around the bush for long enough. It’s time we got serious about taking back control of our government from the business-as-usual bureaucrats that have taken over Olympia.

That’s why I’m introducing my latest initiative, I-999, which will completely eliminate the offices of state representatives, senators, judges, and governor.

I-999 is a smart, balanced, reasonable proposal that closes loopholes in state government that have allowed tax-raising government cronies to maintain a tight fist of control over the years, thwarting the will of the people time and again.

American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever

After canceling nearly 2,500 flights in a test-run earlier in the week, American Airlines announced today that they would be canceling all future flights, effective immediately.

While the earlier cancellations were ostensibly implemented in order to perform some necessary wiring repairs, the airline revealed today that they were in fact merely an experiment to determine whether they could operate on a flight-free business model.

Unwitting Viewers Tricked into Watching Entire Boring Newscast

Using the lure of a “twisted take on local headlines,” KOMO 4 eleven o’clock news team Dan Lewis and Mary Nam succeeded last night in tricking unwitting viewers into sitting through an entire newscast filled with tedious stories and depressing tales of woe.

A new Seattle-area parody news website was used as bait in ads promoting the newscast during the seven, eight, nine and ten o’clock hours, and the story was dangled in front of viewers like a caramel-covered strawberry marshmallow…

Gorge Amphitheatre to be Moved to Seattle

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced an exciting new plan today by the city to relocate the Gorge Amphitheatre from the backward rural central Washington village of George to the glistening progressive urban utopia of Seattle.

“Seattle is the best place in the State of Washington for entertainment,” said Nickels, “so it just makes sense that we should have the state’s best concert venue located here in our fair city.”